A Post for my mama.xxx

Let me start this blog by apologising again for my lack of posts. The reason I have been absent from here for so long, is unimaginable. Shortly after my Wedding in September, my beautiful mother (my best friend, my soul mate, the one who gave me  life and kept me safe throughout) suddenly passed away. She was far too young to be taken from this world and, of course, that dreaded “C” word raises its ugly head once more. CANCER.

The type of cancer she had was pancreatic. I recently read that this type is becoming one of the biggest killers, partially because once they discover what it is, its too late. My mother had been suffering with tummy cramps from around July, (we assumed this was because of the loss off my grandfather, grandmother and uncle, the stress of the impending wedding, the fact her dog had to have serious surgery on its hip and the other stresses of life.) so we assumed it was IBS and on the day of the wedding her adrenaline must have kicked in as my father has since told me she was so ill she had mentioned to him that she may not be able to go.


After our mini moon she was admitted to hospital, originally because her legs has swollen up and they discovered that she had Deep Vein Thrombosis and part of the clot had broken off and moved to her lung, which was dangerous enough as this could stop her breathing. we had thought that it was the mix of Tablets she was taking to cure her IBS and where she was so exhausted from the pain and visible side effects she was mainly sleeping and not moving much. On one of the early hospital visits, a moment that really stand out was where my mum had gone off to have a shower and she came back with my aunt and she proceeded to comb and dry her hair. She was so exhausted that she vomited.

I think deep down I knew all along there was something wrong. Before she was admitted I had a nightmare that she had cancer, I remember saying to one of my Colleagues “She needs to hurry up and get better, I am so worried about her I dreamt that she had cancer last night, I mean that’s sick isn’t it?!” If only I had known that that dream was reality, maybe we would have had half a chance to save her.

The next two weeks merge into one and all come crashing down. On another visit she mentioned that on one of the scans they had done they found a shadow on her Pancreas, it could be cancer but it was very unlikely. the next week she had moved onto a ward from her side room, and our biggest fears were confirmed, it was Cancer of the pancreas as it had spread. there was no cure. and she had 9-12 months left. My mind went into overdrive with memory’s, and plans of things we were going to do and how I could make these possible (one last trip to the spa as Lifehouse cater for people undergoing Chemotherapy and I needed to take her back to Whitstable) and I couldn’t hold my tears back, my world was disintegrating. However as always my mum and I shared a joke. I composed myself and said to her “thanks for that” “I’m sorry for getting so ill” she replied “Don’t EVER apologize for that” I responded “But you’re leaving me with him” and I signaled to my dad. She looked over and looked thoughtful for a second and said “well you left me with him when you moved out!” “but you chose him!” I quipped “Touche!” she laughed. Also she had a quiet five minute with my Husband, and she made him promise to look after me, there were tears from both of them, she really thought the world of him as he did her.

On the ward  there were a few mistakes made by the team, one including overdosing my mum with Morphine which lead to her feeling unsafe, so she was moved to another ward just down the hall. there she felt so much safer and had a team of nurse she trusted and really got on well with. But she was really starting to deteriorate. She was sleeping so much, had no time for her beloved tv programs, and had hardly any strength. To see my mum go from this unstoppable force to a lady who could barley hold a pen was heart breaking. “This shouldn’t be happening to my mum” I remember thinking. My dad went to visit her a Monday a week later And he reported that she had really taken a turn for the worst (in fact since then he has told me that she was saying to him that she wanted to die, and when he said she couldn’t because she hadn’t said goodbye to my Aunt and I she agreed).

On the Tuesday I left work around midday because everything was laying heavy on my mind and on my heart. When I arrived everyone was there except for my husband, and my poor mum looked so unwell, a shadow of her former self. it was then a nurse came in and she explained that my mum had refused anymore tests. She’d had enough, she didn’t want to be pulled around anymore. My aunt and father went for a Cigarette, and I stayed with my mum. I gave her a hug and said to her ” I love you so much mum” to which she responded “I love you too my angel” fighting back the tears I said “you were the best mum and the best friend I could ever have wished for” and she said “and you are the best daughter and the best friend i could ever have had… do me a favour?” “of course mum” “Be happy, and do it for me” At this point I broke down, I knew my mum was going and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The nurses moved her onto a side ward

At 8:30 My dad called me and said ” If you are coming down, come now, I think its happening.” To be honest I don’t even know how I managed to drive there, Auto pilot must have kicked in, but its like any greater power up there was rooting for me, every light was green. I raced through the car park once I had parked and through the lobby of the hospital, up to her ward and my dad was at the door already. I went to go marching in to see my mum, to hold her hand, to comfort her and mostly to say a final good bye and I love you…. “I’m so Sorry Amy. You missed her by five minutes.” I fell into my husbands arms and just could not stop crying. How unfair and cruel was this life? My amazing mother had been taken away. She was 59 years old, both her parents had lived into their 90’s and I always used to boast we had good genes. She would never get to meet her grandchildren ( if we are ever lucky enough to be blessed with children), and that is a thought that breaks my heart on a daily basis, the thought of all the things we will miss out on together.

The Funeral was beautiful, and reflected my mum perfectly. We chose songs that we knew she would have loved and had significance to us. We started with Oasis and Stop Crying your Heart Out- this was special to me as my mum was a star, and she had indeed faded away.. but the line “take what you need and be on your way” was especially sentimental as we used to say to each other “I wish you enough”…. we had a moment of reflection to Snow Patrols Run, as my aunt said she felt as if the whole song was a conversation between my mum and her…. and finally, to say goodbye, we played my mums favourite song, In My Life by The Beatles, the song that we had chosen for the daddy daughter dance at my wedding ( less than two months before) which we also planned she would “gatecrash”. A song that was so full of happy memories for us, was now full of total heartbreak and sadness. The rest of the day was a total blur, people crying and saying how sorry they were.. I ended the day a broken woman, sobbing my heart out on the kitchen floor hugging my husband who was also crying and little dog taking full advantage by trying to lick our tears- I like to think that was mums way of telling us to cheer up.


We are now 8 months on from the awful situation, I have my sad moments, but these are greatly outweighed by the amazing ones, I made a pact with myself to have a year of distractions and adventures and my gosh have I seen that through, but that is for another post. One hard hitting thing is when I speak to someone I haven’t seen since the wedding or longer and they ask ” How’s married life?!”- Don’t get me wrong, married life is incredible, and I am so in awe of how amazing my husband is and how much he supports me and I am incredibly grateful to have in my life- I am so lucky, but there is a HUGE part of my life that is now missing and I feel awful having to break the news to them, as I know how awkward this will make people feel. I also have silly moments where I find a bargain or hear some news and I think “Oh! I’ll have to tell mum” and realise I won’t have the chance to do that. In those moments it feels like my heart has done a flip and stopped and my stomach drops.

Every day I feel stronger, I strive to make my mum proud, most of all, I will be happy and do it for her…


This post is for my incredible, beautiful, talented mum. I hope she is reading this with a Gin and Tonic and a smile on her face…. but most of all, if she is reading this, I wish her enough xxx

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2 thoughts on “A Post for my mama.xxx

  1. I admire your bravery poppet. A very open and honest recollection of events, thank you for sharing. No tears, promise, just so proud and happy that you catalogued events in a candid and sensitive way and reminding me how amazing your mum was and keeping our special memories alive. Trust me, she is up there having a G&T, approving of how well you have coped, with Paul’s back-up, bless him. She understands we can have our weak moments, we are human, but we don’t indulge in self pity, just miss her and that is natural. Will read more of your blogs Amy, but this one needs to be digested and processed. I also look forward to future posts of the happy times you have ahead of you. Love you xxx

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